


A Hairy Disaster!

by kenpile



Category: Monty Python RPF
Genre: Blood, Major character death - Freeform, Other, Shaving, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 01:10:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7078288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenpile/pseuds/kenpile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael's hand slips while shaving his pubes.  And it is a disaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hairy Disaster!

**Author's Note:**

> okay sorry ? anyway i wrote this while listening to Sweet Doggy Dreams music. I recommend, tbh.

Michael looked in the mirror as he stepped out of the shower. He was admiring how bare his chest was, he loved how it lacked any hair follicles of any kind. Smooth as a Bambino cat!

The admiration didn’t stop there! Mike had always been one of those guys who could jack off to his own reflection. He sometimes would write himself little love notes like “I would fuck you like no one else could. Be mine and only mine forever. I love you, big boy. XOXO,” on the steamed up mirror with his finger. So looking in the mirror, his eyes began to wander, of course.

His lustful gaze traveled from his teeny tiny titties to his deep and cavernous belly button. Just a little bit below that, he spotted a problem, which caused his look to go from one of adoration to disgustation. An imperfection! A defect! A flaw! And that blemish was a big, thick patch of hair on his medium sized dick and extra-small testicles. It had to go. Out came the razor.

Mike began to run the blade down his weiner to remove the unsightly pubes. He wanted - no - needed to be able to see his dick clearly. The sight of his wonderful yam cock would make him ejaculate immediately. He became hasty, carelessly running the blade in lines so that he could see his prick sooner. He was shaving at dangerous speeds now. If he didn’t start being careful he might -

And… He’s done it. He’s sliced right through his wiener. Michael gasped, the pain coursing through him as he hears a thud on the ground below him. Does he dare look down? Yes, I think he does.

“FUCKIGN HELL MOTHER OF FUCK BITCH TITS I’VE CUT MY FUCKING SHIT ASS COCK OFF HOLY HELL!” He screamed in agony. There on the floor, he saw his penis. It had landed in the pile of hair that once was attached to it, until very recently when it was shaved off. Did his cock know that it too had been shaved off? Are penises sentient beings? Does one’s cock know right from wrong? Can they tell if they are attached to a body or not? If they could, then Michael Palin’s Penis would know that it was no longer a part of Michael Palin. Now it was just a nameless cock. How tragic for Michael. And how tragic for his dismembered cock, if it knew what had just happened to it.

Michael fell to his knees, blood spurting from where the blade had slipped, where his cock once resided. Tears fell from his face, sliding down his cheeks to his neck, his neck to his chest, his chest to his belly, and from his belly to his cockless crotch. The salty tears burned, only making Mike’s wound burn more with a desire for cock. He picked up his penis and blew the unaffiliated pubes off of it. He had to figure out how to fix this, but how?

Lightbulb. He then remembered, of course, that he was very good friends with a doctor. He got up and began his journey to the telephone, leaving a trail of blood on the carpet the whole way there. He picked up the phone and dialed the number of his good friend. With his dick in one hand and the phone in the other, there was a bit of a mixup. Michael became frustrated when he could not hear the phone ringing and slammed it down into it’s cradle. He then realized that it was his dick he held to his ear, and his dick that he just slammed into the phone cradle. “Oh, bloody hell!”

He then dialed the number again, being sure to listen to the phone and not his phallus, and finally his friend picked up.

“Hello?”

“Yes, Graham, it’s Michael. This is a medical emergency..”

“Well, I am Dr. Chapman! What seems to be the problem Mike?”

“Well, you see… My dick is in my hand.”

“...Please don’t tell me you’ve called me up for phone sex.” Graham secretly was hoping for this, though, but don’t quote me on that.

“Gray, no, I mean… My cock. It seems I’ve cut it off.”

Silence on the other end of the line. And then roaring laughter.

“Michael, you’ve got to be joking! That’s just absurd!” Gray choked out between fits of giggles.

“I’m not joking! I was trying to shave my pubes and I went a bit too fast. I just don’t know what to do!” He cried. 

“Well, I’m afraid there’s not much you CAN do.. I’m sorry, Michael, but you just don’t have a cock anymore. I wish you well, though!” And with that, Gray hung up the phone.

And so, that is how Michael Palin became the Dickless Man With a Dick in His Freezer.


End file.
